Tuesday, February 5, 2013

How to Look Younger Now!

1. Have a poorly lit bathroom mirror. When I peer into mine, it seems like I have no wrinkles! My hair always appears clean, too.

2. Remove all floor length mirrors from the house. Whatever you can't see, isn't there.

3. Under no circumstances are you to look into a mirror that happens to be lying flat on a table. I gave myself a real fright when I made this mistake, as harsh afternoon light streamed through a window.

4. Poor eyesight helps. I have always been nearsighted, but since I turned forty I can't see close up either! Awesome! Bad vision operates the way those BB Creams supposedly do, "blurring imperfections," and it's free!

5. Use eye cream. My mother started me on eye cream when I was 18, and I have applied it daily ever since, harassing those around me to do the same. I believe that it works, which is even better than it actually working.

6. Marry a man who is ten years younger than you. When people see you next to a strapping younger gent, they will get confused and assume you are the same age. Works even better if you have young kids in tow.

I am joking about aging, but I should clarify that I will never get botox or fillers or any of that crap, even if my above methods cease to be effective. While no one wants to look older, physical aging serves as an important reminder that your time on this planet is short, shorter every day.

However, I do plan to pluck my chin hairs, if I can see them. 


  1. This is awesome wisdom. (Speaking of aging, I'm so glad your wisdom applies just as much to me at 39 as it did to me at 16.) It reminded me that the other day I saw a feature on Refinery 29 about how a designer decided to go gray. (http://www.refinery29.com/32285/premiumslideshow#slide-5) It amused the hell out of me, partly because of the way the feature was positioned. If you want to look old, do it with GREAT CARE! Because aging is such a taboo! :D

    1. Thanks for posting the article. Her hair looks awesome. Maybe I will do that someday.

  2. Awesome! Love the last paragraph, too! I like to think my lines and wrinkles are a badge of honor of everything I have been through.

  3. Yes, an ex-boyfriend of mine always used to say, "two steps to the left," meaning that if you were standing in front of a mirror and were stressing out, you should just take two steps to the left. Honestly, it's the best thing he ever gave me.

  4. Oh my! I so like #6. Thanks for sharing this. I really enjoy this post.


  5. Yes to all of these things, especially #2! My healthy-weight mother was complaining about five pounds the other day (life goal: to get over my body by the time I'm sixty, latest), and I said, "Just camouflage!", and then she and my father went on to talk about a friend of theirs who they thought had lost weight, but it turned out he just got a wardrobe that fits! I love that.

    Also, discovering this blog is the best thing everl Sassy was such a part of my adolescence, and I'm so sad that all girls have these days are Cosmo Girl and Teen Vogue. I miss the snark and smartness that had Mayim Bialik on the cover with the American Flag wrapped around her head like a turban (sigh).

  6. I too have recently felt the pain that comes with seeing your face reflected back whilst looking down on a mirror that I was about to hang on the wall. I realize i'm no Ryan Reynolds (though i wanted to say Cary Grant, but I censored myself to sound more current) but looking down on that mirror I looked like Jabba the Hut's puffy-faced cousin. The good news is that years of watching "The Golden Girls" reruns (special thanks to Lifetime TV, LOGO, Hallmark Channel and TV Land) came in handy when I remembered Blanche suffering this same heinous indignity. She was quickly saved by Dorothy, who suggested hoisting the mirror up overhead for what would appear to give you "an immediate facelift" ...sure enough it worked, I did as Dorothy instructed and I looked 22...well, 32. Still it restored my dignity for the day and that combined with a few pieces of chocolate really helped rally my morale in a jiffy!