How to Look Younger Now!

1. Have a poorly lit bathroom mirror. When I peer into mine, it seems like I have no wrinkles! My hair always appears clean, too.

2. Remove all floor length mirrors from the house. Whatever you can't see, isn't there.

3. Under no circumstances are you to look into a mirror that happens to be lying flat on a table. I gave myself a real fright when I made this mistake, as harsh afternoon light streamed through a window.

4. Poor eyesight helps. I have always been nearsighted, but since I turned forty I can't see close up either! Awesome! Bad vision operates the way those BB Creams supposedly do, "blurring imperfections," and it's free!

5. Use eye cream. My mother started me on eye cream when I was 18, and I have applied it daily ever since, harassing those around me to do the same. I believe that it works, which is even better than it actually working.

6. Marry a man who is ten years younger than you. When people see you next to a strapping younger gent, they will get confused and assume you are the same age. Works even better if you have young kids in tow.


I am joking about aging, but I should clarify that I will never get botox or fillers or any of that crap, even if my above methods cease to be effective. While no one wants to look older, physical aging serves as an important reminder that your time on this planet is short, shorter every day.

However, I do plan to pluck my chin hairs, if I can see them.