Monday, June 18, 2012

Out Damned Spot

I have four new pairs of shorts. This is remarkable, because I rarely find pants/shorts that properly fit both my thickish waist and my thinnish hips. So when I discovered that those cute "boyfriend roll-ups" from the Gap work on me, I bought them in three different colors. Or three different "color-ways," as Andrea Lee Linett used to say in a heavy NY accent when she did her impression of a Garmento.

Obv. Not Me
I was wearing the orange ones all day Saturday, parading around up at the pool with a special "new shorts" glow. Then I repaired to my daughter's Girl Scouts bridging ceremony. When it was over, we walked home. After fixing dinner for my family, I removed the shorts, folded them, and put on my pajamas. The next morning I noticed it: a blackish stain across the back that looked something like tar.

When did this nasty spot appear? If at the pool, why didn't any of my supposed "friends" tip me off? If at Girl Scouts (likely since I was sitting on the ground), did all present assume I had had an unfortunate accident? And what about my husband? Does he not look at my derriere anymore?

I put stain remover on the icky black stuff and set it to soak.  Then, I turned my attention to my fourth new pair of shorts. This kicky pair is high-waisted and has a crazy floral print. I found them when I was shopping for a gift for my mom at Talbots. I never thought I would buy anything for myself at Talbots, but I began to see a Mad Men/Junior League-in-the-early-70s appeal in the merchandise. And the shorts fit me like a glove! They also conformed to my paltry budget. Sold.

I like how the wider leg almost makes them look like culottes
My husband was confused when I appeared, dressed for a going away party for some friends. "What are those?" he asked. "These are my adorable new excitement shorts," I said. I explained how I imagined Betty Draper wearing them to the country club.  He didn't agree. A curious look of recognition crossed his face. I realized the problem. "Do they remind you of your mother?" I asked.

"Kind of," he said. "And you have your shirt tucked in." I explained that I was showing off the flattering high waist. He looked dubious. But I did get some compliments from people I am not married to.

The point is, and this is truly incredible: when I took the shorts off last night, I noticed an identical stain as on the orange ones! I am now afraid to sit down anywhere.

And I've been soaking both pairs all night, but the stain won't come out. So now I have 2 new pairs of shorts. Unless anyone has any stain removal tips?



27 comments:

  1. Your blog is nice and I like those styles!! :)

    xoxo
    Susanna
    http://susanna-behindmyeyes.blogspot.com

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  2. Are you getting this from something in your car? How did you get to and from the events. Ugh. That's so frustrating, although I have to admit, I've probably had stains all over my rear for the last 4 years. Something about motherhood. You end up covered in uck for no reason. Wondering if that orange oil stuff (like in Goo Gone) would take it out?

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    1. Ann, that's a thought about the car. I was in the passenger seat both days, and my kids are always climbing over it in dirty shoes. I am going to check that out as soon as the car gets back from the shop.

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    2. Ann, I just picked up the car and you were totally right! There is some black tar-like dirt on the passenger seat!

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    3. Well that makes sense...darn it all. Glad you found the culprit, and that you have more shorts on order. You'll need them today and tomorrow. It's too damn hot!

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  3. Those shorts are awfully cute!! Citra-Solv has worked wonders for us on tar, chewing gum, etc: hopefully, you've got some around the house.

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  4. Hi Christina,

    Apologies if this posts twice but I'm not sure the first one went through. I write a weekly cleaning column and if you'd like to send me a photo of the stain I'd be happy to help you out! My guess is that if it's tar, WD-40 will be the right answer, but if it's grease then try Lestoil or Pine Sol (no really!)

    My email address is cleaning@thehairpin.com.

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  5. I was totally going to blame the car, but Ann beat me to it. Also, I will vouch for the awesomeness of Jolie and her cleaning column on The Hairpin.

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  6. Hm, the stain has got to come from the car...

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  7. DETECTIVE ANN SOLVES THE CASE.

    This post was hilarious and sad. I am glad there is an ANSWER and I hope Jolie can give you CLOSURE.

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    1. Oh man, if only I was this good at solving my own problems!! ;)

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  8. Pretty much ditto to Marjorie. I've found that citru-solv and oxi-clean are both strangely effective, nearly magical cleaning substances, but let us know if one of Jolie's secret tricks fixes it all.

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    1. Jolie has analyzed a photo of the treated stain and has prescribed Pine Sol, which I am off to purchase. I will let you know if it works.

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  9. 2 parts hydro peroxide to 1 part blue dawn dish soap. get a small travel size spray bottle, add 2 ingredients lightly shake to mix, spray damn spots, rub lightly, let sit, then wash. I have removed red lip STAIN from my couch with this in less than 30 seconds. also cherry slurpee, that one I let sit over night. Good Luck!

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    1. Thanks Dudette. Ok. Here is where we are: Jolie, the Hairpin cleaning specialist, said to try putting PineSol on the stain. That meant I had to go to the A&P on Senior Citizens discount day, which was unfortunate. Also, it did not work, but I was glad to have Pinesol because it cleaned some bird poop off my porch.
      Jolie then suggested WD-40. She claimed all men have some WD-40 in the house. And she was right. But, alas, the WD-40 did not work. Now, after all this application of toxins, the shorts look sort of worn out, and I am going to just get a new pair. However, Dudette, I will keep your idea in reserve for the next time I have a stain. I just need to get some peroxide in the house.

      So, the moral of the story is: look before you sit. And there is a happy ending, because I now have a new cleaning expert/email friend. Now, how to remove the stain from the car seat?

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  10. Just so you know.... Your blog is so compelling that I have been checking back to find out the status of your shorts. I'm a 44 year old who just missed out on Sassy but have since caught up. Your writing is fantastic, I feel like I know you. Now could you please just write more? Just kidding (sort of)

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    1. Thanks for saying that, Nina. When I first wrote the post, I was a little embarrassed; I though, "no one's going to give a shit about my shorts." But the outpouring of support at this difficult time has really sustained me.

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  11. I am getting those first shorts, the ones that flatter moms with a thick waist and thin hips. You can tell the Gap that your product endorsement worked, 100%. <3

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    1. I doubt the Gap cares, but I hope you enjoy them.

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    2. Meaning, I doubt they care about my endorsement!

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  12. you are so funny and are those your legs? (NY style street whistle!)

    You might try orange essential oil for the stain if it is in fact tar, i know it works on cars. heehee. No but seriously essential oil dissipates in the air, so I don't think it will leave an oil stain.

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  13. Did they come in any otha fabrications? HA.

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  14. Did you get the stain out? (That's the product endorsement.)

    I love Talbots in the same retro way. My 12-year-old swings btwn trying to get me out fast before I buy a belted shirtdress and suggesting I try on white blazers.

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  15. Perhaps one said 'supposed friend' was too distracted by the comfortably tepid temperature of the baby pool he was sitting in -- and hoping the lovely warmth was the result of the sun's warming rays AND NOTHING ELSE!

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